10 Easy Steps to Eradicate Emotional Attachment

By Jennifer Finjan

You may find yourself in three possible scenarios:  1) feelings of denial followed by sadness, then anger and resentment, then too much wine, then text exchanges, then phone call exchanges, then a knock at the door, then back to zero; or 2) Feelings of denial followed by sadness, then anger and resentment, then overwhelming desperation and fear, then texting, then calling, then knocking at the door in the pouring rain until the neighbours call the cops; or 3) feelings of denial followed by sadness, then anger and resentment, then acceptance, then moving on. Eventually, you will have to arrive at scenario #3. The choice is yours on how much time and energy you waste.

Fear of loneliness and not finding a suitable partner is universal. But clinging to a past relationship that didn’t work out just because it’s easy and available isn’t the answer.

I don’t know who came up with the appropriate healing time (AHT) when a relationship ends but it makes sense. One month per year of your life spent seems more than reasonable. For example, you’ve been with someone two years, therefore, you should allow two months for moping and feeling sorry for yourself.  During that time there cannot be contact of any kind with your ex.  If you’re still not coping well after two months, you either require extra help or you contacted your ex.  Be honest with yourself. Many of us aren’t back on our feet at AHT because we made that mistake.

Being aware of the triggers can help. Those triggers could be boredom, good news/bad news, an anniversary, a birthday, the holidays, sickness, too much wine, a bad date, unfulfilled sexual needs, and past dependences such as driving you around, handy work around the home, etc.  Whatever triggers you, you must not make contact of any kind. Take the subway and call an electrician but do not make contact. Your valuable time, future and your reputation as a sane individual are riding on it.

Another thing to keep in mind is to not date during your AHT.  You should avoid hurting others and wasting their time – karma’s a bitch. One should also avoid dating someone during their AHT. Don’t allow yourself to be a rebound or fool…don’t believe they are over their ex. You know better.

So this all bring us to question, how does one get through their AHT?

1. Once it’s over (he or she said they don’t want to be in a relationship with you any more) remove them from your life. That includes all phone numbers, home and work addresses (to prevent you from sending that lame wish-you-were-here postcard), all email addresses, and Face Book/MySpace accounts. Remove pictures of the two of you from your home – frankly it’s sad and pathetic.  The sooner you remove ways to contact, the better. I remember a while back I wanted to send a text to an ex for some random reason, but I couldn’t remember his number for the life of me so I just forgot about it and went to sleep.
2. Contact your friends, even the one’s you neglected while you were in your relationship. If they are good friends they will understand and forgive you.  Tell them you need their help in the form of a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or a companion or a much-needed girl’s night out.  If your  friends aren’t there for you, maybe that’s your next project – make new friends.
3. If you have a passport, some cash and vacation days – get out of town and stay away as long as you possibly can.  Consider yourself the lucky one that got away.  Different spaces and faces will do you a world of good right now. It’s difficult to contact or stalk someone when you’re in different time zones and without easy access to telephones and computers.  If you find yourself in Paris at an internet café cyber stalking your ex in Toronto, you likely need professional help.
4. Get a hobby. One major pitfall in a lot of relationships is not having the time to do the things you really love.  You can finally get back to putting you first. Just think you can catch up on all those books you wanted to read, and no one is going to be crying foul when you want to do your own thing on the weekend.  This is also a great opportunity to try new things you always wanted to try.
5. Enjoy all the things he hated doing.  I knew a woman whose boyfriend hated crowds and refused to go to live concerts.  I’m happy to report she is now single and enjoying a concert at least twice a month. And just think, you can go to an art gallery and see movies that don’t involve Seth Rogen. Hooray!
6. Work out like mad.  I don’t mean go OCD on me but a healthy and productive plan to get in great shape and feel better about yourself is in order.  You’ll feel like a new person ready for new people in your life. Many make the mistake of doing it to show off to the ex, which is completely counterproductive (remember you’re not supposed to see him!) Honestly, by the time you reach your goal, you won’t even care what he thinks.
7. Get a makeover. Have you heard the aphorism when a women cuts her hair, her life is about to change? Well, it’s true and now is as good of a time as any to proceed.  Change and experimentation are called for.
8. If you can’t get away and find yourself following the same old beaten path, change it.  Try going to new clubs, restaurants, gyms, etc. Places you’ve never been with your ex.  The last thing you need is to see a happy couple sitting at you and your ex’s favourite table, or even worse… him sitting there with his rebound. Running into an ex has been romanticized in movie and song – in reality it’s painful and unnerving.
9. Go to a sex shop and buy yourself a battery operated replacement.  A little something to get you through your AHT. This beats contacting your ex or hooking up with some random who might not be too happy with you leading him on.
10. Meet as many people as you can. I don’t mean subjecting yourself to sausage hour at a night club or lowering your standards. Sleeping around, partying too hard and too often is a recipe for disaster – financially, emotionally and physically. What I mean is put yourself out there, get out of your shell. After spending years by someone’s side you can finally talk to anyone you want. Who knows, you may end up meeting someone you like.

Remember time does fly when you keep busy and put yourself first.  By staying positive and healthy and staying away from negative forces, you will be new and improved.  You will go from feeling sorry for yourself and lost to someone who has found them self.