By Adam Jamieson
Here’s how I get ready for a night on the town: Play Xbox all day in a t-shirt and one of the seven pairs of sweatpants I own. Lounging in my sweatpants is then continued while having a couple of beers and having folks over for pre-drinks. The key is to not ready yourself until the very last minute. Why? Because changing into proper Saturday night attire means losing the comfy feeling of sweatpants for a possible six hours.
What happens next? Playful yelling and ridicule directed my way for drinking with my friends and my girlfriend in my sweatpants until five minutes before I have to leave. Once the charade’s gone on long enough, I pull on the comfiest pair of jeans I own (coincidently the only pair I own) and a plaid button down shirt and head out the door.
Granted, getting ready for a Friday or Saturday night out is easier for guys than it is for girls. The hard part is when both parties get ready together. The next five hundred or so words are dedicated to the delicate ballet between a man and a woman when preparing for a night out.
Please do not bother asking her if she is ready yet. She isn’t. You don’t need the false hope and you’ll annoy her by asking this question more than once. I liken it to asking, “Are we there yet?” when in a car. She’ll turn the car around, so to speak, and not want to go out anymore if you constantly needle her. Instead of asking for status updates, become a passive observer and learn the nuances involved when a woman is readying herself for a night out. Also, become versed in the methods with which you can busy yourself while waiting for her to get ready.
Firstly, pray to God there is an afternoon Blue Jays game on or a late afternoon Toronto FC match. Secondly, have food at the ready. Thirdly, and most importantly, set out your jeans, t-shirt, and collared shirt in plain sight. This will act as a subconscious queue for her to hurry up.
So there you are doing your thing (i.e. nothing), and she’s getting ready. What do you see? Clothes everywhere. On dressers, beds, couches, doors, and railings. There are clothes everywhere except on her. This is all part of the process, do not be alarmed. If she asks you what she should wear and what looks good and what doesn’t, answer properly. If you don’t lift your eyes from the television, graphic novel, or your plate, you’re asking for trouble. Taking a minute to offer a genuine opinion of her choice in wardrobe is for your ultimate benefit and will help along the process. Agreeing to an outfit without even a glance is not what you want to do. This will undoubtedly lead to unnecessary arguments. After all, when a guy and a girl get ready in the same room, it is all about avoiding conflict and leaving the house in the best mood possible. Unfortunately, the aforementioned delicate ballet of getting ready can also be characterized as an unpredictable powder keg liable to explode at the smallest provocation.
When it comes to makeup, don’t bother assisting. No guy has any idea why it takes so long or what is the proper application amount. She should know that asking you is cruel and unusual punishment. The same goes for shoes. The first three pairs will be an awful fit in her mind. Do not blurt out what you are thinking and say “It doesn’t matter.” Impatience will get you nowhere in this particular situation.
You can now see the finish line. Well, parts of it at least. Most of the line is covered by shoes, pencil skirts, dresses, and tank tops. You’ve been yelled at for not getting ready as many times as you have asked her if she’s ready yet. It’s time to begrudgingly throw those glorious loose-fitting sweatpants aside and pull on your jeans. You have five minutes before you both have to leave. You finish getting ready, with 3 minutes to spare! When you’re both good and ready, head down to Mercer Union on Bloor Street on July 9th for the Official Alternavox Launch Party.
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